i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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