Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
