Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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