I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
