Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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