sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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