I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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