what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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