How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
