he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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