I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize