Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
