as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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