Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You dont lie about slip and slides
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
