Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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