she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
