I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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