no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize