i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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