Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
