filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize