Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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