i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
