if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
