My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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