I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
