I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
