He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize