Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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