I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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