there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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