Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
