I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
where are you?
Hypothermia
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
