The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
