i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
