How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
