Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
