I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
