you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
