i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize