If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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