If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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