i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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