i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
