the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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