I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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