Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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