I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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