If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
