she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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