I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
