I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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