My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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