i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize