Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
