It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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