My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
