I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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