fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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