:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
